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Scared and in love. Can we have both?

If you are in an intimate relationship with someone in addiction, it can be a roller coaster of emotions.

One day, things are amazing. You've never been more in love. You have a great day of fun together. That day of fun turns into an evening of dinner and drinks. Then, things change. It's not fun anymore. You look over at him and he's not able to stand still. You've seen it before - the wobbly stand - he's standing but he's not standing still. . . there's a wobble. You get home and manage to find peace after he passes out and you end up crying yourself to sleep.

Sound familiar?

Often, that wobble comes with some verbal attacks. Everything you've ever done wrong and everything you've ever done right, comes to a head when he finds the liquid courage to insult you over and over again until you are reduced to tears. Sometimes, he loses the control of holding this back in front of other people, creating complete embarrassment for you. Suddenly, you find yourself defending his behavior in front of others. "He's having a rough time at work." or "He's just messing around and being silly."

Hopefully, it doesn't also come with pushing, shoving, or slapping you across the face.

Dear friend, if you've ever felt this, I hope you can feel these words wrapping you in the tightest hug you have ever felt. I am here with you and I love you.

Do I stay or do I go? Ever find yourself wondering?

Sweet girl, I wish I had the answer for you. I wish I could tell you what would bring you the most peace. I can't. Only you can do that for yourself.

Here is what I know for sure:

  1. You deserve to feel safe.

  2. You deserve better.

  3. You deserve peace.

I wish you didn't feel scared, lonely, and depressed. There is nothing worse than feeling lonely when you are in a relationship. Instead, I wish you felt loved, honored, and cherished.

While you think about staying or leaving, I ask you to do this: focus on what you can control. Hint. . . that's you!

Are you letting his choices dictate your emotions?

Are you yelling?

Are you doing the classic Minnesotan passive aggressive thing: "the silent treatment"?

No matter what he is doing, you can't control it. But, you can control how you react. You can control how you care for yourself.

When he starts insulting you, walk away.

When he skips work, don't make excuses for him.

When he doesn't help you around the house, don't yell.

Focus on yourself. Start doing all the things you want to do but aren't doing because of him. Run the damn 5k. Do the home improvement project (yes, you can use a saw!). Have fun with girlfriends.

Your answer will come. You will find peace.

Important note: If you ever feel like you are in danger, please reach out for help. If immediate danger, call 911. Please don't hesitate. We need you.

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