"I Can't Trust Him/Her"
Ever say this?
At some point in your life, someone has inevitably cheated on you, lied to you, or hurt you in some way. It hurts. And when we feel that pain, we don't want to feel that way again. So we put up big cement walls so it will never happen again.
Nevermind the pain that follows because we've disallowed any chance of happiness.
We may never be hurt by a cheating boyfriend but we will never get to feel the amazing joy of a fulfilling intimate relationship.
We will never get to experience a great relationship with our daughter because we decide "giving space" is safer than opening up and being vulnerable after years of lies.
Instead, we make the conscious or unconscious choice to be single for the remainder of our time here on earth. Or, we distance ourselves from our children, parents, or friends in hopes that we won't be hurt again and lose the chance to have meaningful relationships.
What if it could be different? What if we could decide to trust instead?
Here's the truth:
Without trust, we cannot have a connected and healthy relationship.
Sucks, right? It does and there's a better way.
What if we've had a bad experience and struggle trusting new people?
We can move forward. Here are some tips to get you moving:
1) Know there is only one person in this world you can control: YOU.
Easy enough to hear, but hard to really understand. No matter how someone is behaving, there is only one person we can truly control. Ourselves. In a new relationship, keep your eye on your own thoughts and behaviors. If someone is behaving inappropriately, you get to decide how you want to feel about it and what you want to do about it, if anything.
2) Trust yourself first.
Tell me the truth. Do you trust yourself? Like, truly trust yourself? Are you worried you'll make the wrong choice? Give yourself some grace, note what happens and adjust as you go. You know yourself best. Believe in yourself.
Forgive yourself and forgive them. Forgiveness doesn't mean that we forget what happened or that we are okay with it. It simply means that we've accepted it. And, its good ju-ju for us. Forgiveness provides a peace in your soul and allows you to move forward. It's for you - not for them.
We can never communicate enough. Chat with your partner about what you are feeling. Maybe they can put you at ease. Maybe they can't, but at least they will know why you might be a little uneasy or anxious. Be open, that's a big piece of trust.
5) Be vulnerable.
Ha. Just mentioned it above but being vulnerable is big. Allow someone to see inside your heart and share a bit. Being vulnerable creates connection, an essential piece in the trust puzzle.
These are a few ideas to consider and spend some time journaling about. It is important to be present in this (your current) relationship. The past happened to have happened. We can think about it, we can learn from it, but we can't change it. The best way to move forward is to take what we know and do the next best thing. Remember, there is no perfect person. Not even you or me.
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